Fear.....

I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble. You become anxious. Reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You feel yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread.

Fear next turns fully to your body, which is already aware that something terribly wrong is going on. Already your lungs have flown away like a bird and your guts have slithered away like a snake. Now your tongue drops dead like an opossum, while your jaw begins to gallop on the spot. Your ears go deaf. Your muscles begin to shiver as if they had malaria and your knees to shake as though they were dancing. Your heart strains too hard, while your sphincter relaxes too much. And so with the rest of your body. Every part of you, in the manner most suited to it, falls apart. Only your eyes work well. They always pay proper attention to fear.

Quickly you make rash decisions. You dismiss your last allies: hope and trust. There, you've defeated yourself. Fear, which is but an impression, has triumphed over you.

The matter is difficult to put into words. For fear, real fear, such as shakes you to your foundation, such as you feel when you are brought face to face with your mortal end, nestles in your memory like a gangrene: it seeks to rot everything, even the words with which to speak of it. So you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.

~ Unknown

What life gives you...

I have always wanted more kids...at least two in total. But when I was married, my husband never wanted more, he would say " Yes, we'll have another" then belittle and berate me for wanting another. When I was pregnant with Regen he even told me that if I got pregnant again he expected me to have an abortion. So one child it was. After my divorce I thought I will be able to have more kids! But as time passed, I didn't find a new partner so I thought of having another on my own. I looked into adoption, nope to much $$ and no single women. I looked into AI with a fetus, but again too much $$, and I really want a kid of "me" if I am going to carry it. So after the last 5 years I came to terms recently that I would be "Mom" to Regen only. That our family would just be us, it be small but well loved. Then two weeks ago I found out I was pregnant! I am happy in so many ways, I get to have another child, Regen gets to be a big sister, and our family will grow! The dad is not my partner, but a man I have known for years and once loved very deeply. He will be around and be a good dad, so in that I am happy. I do wish though, that I had a partner that I loved and that loved me, so we could be a small but loving family with a man in the mix. I would love for this child to have a dad that was with it's mom, a man to help Regen get over her fears and uneasiness with men. To show both kids that a dad can love his children, protect them, and let them grow into themselves, (not a molded example of what adults want them to be )...that a dad can be just as fierce with love and caring as a mom. But as they say you have to take what life gives you and make the most of it........so here is to wonderfully sweet refreshing lemonade!!!!

Lost in the Daily life.....

It has been forever since I blogged...I let myself get caught up in daily life and not take time for myself. This is one thing I need to do, me time.....Time to blog, to do art, and just things for myself. This might sound selfish, but when I am happy, enjoying my me time I am a better mom, therapist, and friend. I am now going to make a point of giving myself some me time everyday, even if it's only 30 mins.....

Sagittarius That's Me...

Inquisitive and energetic, the Sagittarius is the traveler of the Zodiac. Their philosophical, broad-minded approach to life motivates them to wander far and wide in the search for the meaning of life. Extroverted, optimistic, and enthusiastic, it can be almost impossible to keep the Sagittarius down. They love change. In fact, change is essential for this sign to feel their best.

Friends and Family

Whether it's stimulating conversation or a hike through the mountains, you can expect this sign to be surrounded by friends. Sagittarians are a ton of fun and downright wacky at times. They love to laugh and to get everyone around them going. Sagittarians make friends from around the globe, enjoying the various takes on life and culture. They're generous and are not ones to hold a grudge. Anyone who can sit a spell and talk about the deeper things in life will suit a Sagittarius just fine. They make friends easily and remain steadfast through the years. When it comes to family, the Sagittarius is dedicated and willing to do just about anything. Freedom and independence are extremely important for this outgoing sign. Providing these traits aren't infringed upon, all relationships go well.

Career and Money

Visualization is the keyword for the Sagittarius. When this sign sees something as possible in their minds, they will go to great lengths to rally enough people to make it happen. Straightforward, they don't usually mince words about what they want, and they seem to know exactly what needs to be said in a given situation. They make excellent salespeople, and it's even better when this involves travel. When the Sagittarius gets a sense of the big picture, they'll work night and day to reach a goal. A variety of tasks and a dynamic atmosphere favor Sagittarians. Careers such as travel agent, photographer, explorer, artist, realtors, ambassador, and import/export trader all suit this free-spirited personality. Fun loving Sagittarians enjoy making - and spending - money. Considered the luckiest sign of the Zodiac, they don't worry too much about where the next buck is coming from. Sagittarians are risk-takers and highly optimistic, trusting in the universe to provide what is needed.

Money-management

tasks will bore the Sagittarius to tears, so getting a bookkeeper or accountant is the best plan in order to stay on top of what's coming and going.

Love and Sex

Sagittarians are playful and love to have fun with their lovers. Passionate, expressive, and willing to try just about anything, partners who are equally outgoing are best suited to the Sagittarius. There's a fine line between sex and love for this sign. Their love of change and variety can bring a lot of different faces to the bedroom. But when it comes to love, that's an entirely different thing. Once taken, the Sagittarian is loyal, true-blue, and devoted. Mates for this sign need to be intellectual, sensitive, and expressive for the best results. As the key phrase for this sign is I understand, having a good sense of how their partner thinks is quite important.

SAGITTARIUS TIDBITS

Health

Each sign has a part of the anatomy attached to it, making this the area of the body that is most sensitive to stimulation. The anatomical areas for Sagittarius are the hips, thighs, and upper legs.

Ruling Planet

The ruling planet for Sagittarius is Jupiter. Considered the luckiest of planets, it rules wealth, leisure time, big business, the higher mind, optimism, growth, morality, prosperity, indulgence, long-distance travel, aspirations, sports, and fondness for animals.

Color

The color of choice for Sagittarius is rich purple.

Gemstone

Sagittarius's star stone is the topaz.

Lucky Numbers

Sagittarius' lucky numbers are 3, 5, and 8.

Compatibility

Sagittarians are most compatible with Leo and Aries.

Opposite Sign

The opposite sign for Sagittarius is Gemini.

The Perfect Gift

The best gifts for a Sagittarius are pet-related items or something for the outdoors.

Likes

Travel, being outdoors, freedom, philosophy

Dislikes

Details, being constrained, off-the-wall theories, clingy people

House

Natural sign of the Ninth House. This house focuses on religion, philosophy, super-conscious mind, long trips, laws, and in-laws.

Famous Sagittarians

Steven Spielberg, Mark Twain, Tina Turner, Jimi Hendrix, Christina Applegate

Best Travel Destinations

South Africa, Australia, Spain, Portugal, Toronto, Naples

Strengths

Great sense of humor, idealistic, generous

Weaknesses

Will say anything no matter how undiplomatic, promises more than can deliver, can be impatient to the point of rudeness

Charismatic marks

Open and interested. Generally tall, strong legs. Clothes for comfort, not style. Women act in a “tomboy” manner.

Best environment

Outside, on the move

Warped Life Standard...

I am beginning to believe I have a warped life standard. I feel dissatisfied, and antsy, like there is so much more I should be doing, have to be doing, or something I missed and will regret it. Right now my life is really good!! I am able to pay my bills, have a little extra, I get to spend tons of time with Regen, and am getting back to being the "true" me. But I fell like something is really missing. When I talked to a wonderful friend, who speaks truth to me no matter what, she stated that I am so used to being in "survival mode", and not used to a normal daily life. I think she's right. Being use to struggling, fighting to give Regen a better life, a stable home, and a mom who is happy and self confident has been my life for over 8 years. Before that I had many times life knocked me flat. I have been so used to being knocked flat, that I walk around waiting for the smack. When life is going better, I am waiting, just waiting for what ever will make me loose my breath, darken my sight, and leave me bleeding. On one level I know that I am doing good, that Regen is doing better and is happy. But I still have that antsy feeling, the feeling that I should be doing more so I am better prepared for that smack down. How do I after the loss of both parents, all my grandparents, and a horrible marriage to an addict, a woman who has lost herself, how does that woman learn to accept this day, the goodness in this life, and live for today without having that cloud of antsy anticipation for the pain? This is my quest, what I am working to find, the ability to just be happy and not worry about what I can't control.

My Feelings On Fall....

My feelings on fall are usually mixed, a feeling of loss for the summer, and excitement for the coming winter. I love summer, swimming, gardening, extra time with the kiddo, camping, fishing, just being outside with the birds...all these are things I like to do.

Winter is a blast too, Running up to the mountain watching Regen learn snowboarding, something she excels at and loves, watching Regen and Blu fighting in the snow. Fall however, is always the loss of summer, the busy time of life when school starts and work starts to pick up, and the cold winds come. I get out less, and it perturbs me. Then on a day like we had the other day, I get to run around with Regen and we see an amazing tree like the one above. The leaves turning, showing wonderful colors and is just a sight to behold. This tree makes me like fall, just its beauty fills me with wonder and makes me realize each season has its purpose and I need to remember that.

Time flies when your down....

Time flies when your down, down in the dumps makes the days slip from my memory. Remembering what I have to say or things I want to share slowly fade as I can't find the exit to my current mood. Life and so my moods go through a routine of ebb and flow. I fight to stay positive and on the upside, but at times all I can bring myself to do is wallow in the darkness. My life is good, I am blessed in many ways, I just at times am overwhelmed by the things I am lacking. I watch others take for granted the family and support they have, as I wish to just see and speak to my parents one more time.

Enough, I will make it though this and keep all the good things going.

Life will continue and I will wake up in a better frame of mind.