Warped Life Standard...

I am beginning to believe I have a warped life standard. I feel dissatisfied, and antsy, like there is so much more I should be doing, have to be doing, or something I missed and will regret it. Right now my life is really good!! I am able to pay my bills, have a little extra, I get to spend tons of time with Regen, and am getting back to being the "true" me. But I fell like something is really missing. When I talked to a wonderful friend, who speaks truth to me no matter what, she stated that I am so used to being in "survival mode", and not used to a normal daily life. I think she's right. Being use to struggling, fighting to give Regen a better life, a stable home, and a mom who is happy and self confident has been my life for over 8 years. Before that I had many times life knocked me flat. I have been so used to being knocked flat, that I walk around waiting for the smack. When life is going better, I am waiting, just waiting for what ever will make me loose my breath, darken my sight, and leave me bleeding. On one level I know that I am doing good, that Regen is doing better and is happy. But I still have that antsy feeling, the feeling that I should be doing more so I am better prepared for that smack down. How do I after the loss of both parents, all my grandparents, and a horrible marriage to an addict, a woman who has lost herself, how does that woman learn to accept this day, the goodness in this life, and live for today without having that cloud of antsy anticipation for the pain? This is my quest, what I am working to find, the ability to just be happy and not worry about what I can't control.

My Feelings On Fall....

My feelings on fall are usually mixed, a feeling of loss for the summer, and excitement for the coming winter. I love summer, swimming, gardening, extra time with the kiddo, camping, fishing, just being outside with the birds...all these are things I like to do.

Winter is a blast too, Running up to the mountain watching Regen learn snowboarding, something she excels at and loves, watching Regen and Blu fighting in the snow. Fall however, is always the loss of summer, the busy time of life when school starts and work starts to pick up, and the cold winds come. I get out less, and it perturbs me. Then on a day like we had the other day, I get to run around with Regen and we see an amazing tree like the one above. The leaves turning, showing wonderful colors and is just a sight to behold. This tree makes me like fall, just its beauty fills me with wonder and makes me realize each season has its purpose and I need to remember that.

Time flies when your down....

Time flies when your down, down in the dumps makes the days slip from my memory. Remembering what I have to say or things I want to share slowly fade as I can't find the exit to my current mood. Life and so my moods go through a routine of ebb and flow. I fight to stay positive and on the upside, but at times all I can bring myself to do is wallow in the darkness. My life is good, I am blessed in many ways, I just at times am overwhelmed by the things I am lacking. I watch others take for granted the family and support they have, as I wish to just see and speak to my parents one more time.

Enough, I will make it though this and keep all the good things going.

Life will continue and I will wake up in a better frame of mind.

Looking to the future....

Well, life has been busy and exciting. I am looking into opening a new business. I want to open a small boutique that sells infant, toddler, maternity, and women's sizes 10-16 clothing. A little edgier clothing, a mix of funk and punk. A friend is thinking of opening a consignment store, so we are looking to share a space. Things are just falling into place and it's all moving along pretty fast. I am excited but nervous. Here's to keeping my faith in moving forward and making it work!!

Crazy Days of Summer...

The last few weeks have been crazy and haven't left me time to blog. We took a mini vacation to Seattle, I got a new Tattoo, Regen had tons of cheer events, we went hiking at Bolder Cave, and then Regen started school for the year. To cover this all I am giving you pictures and videos.

Enjoy, I know we have loved this summer!

Picking Blackberries with Nana Becky

My Tattoo outline

Finished Tattoo, I Love It!

Regen's First day of school

Go Redskins!

Hanging in Seattle

Wild Carousel Horse runs Regen over!

Seattle Aquarium

Death by Octopus

Regen and the Pike Street Pig

Regen 's cheer for William

Having fun at Bolder Cave

What a summer, I loved getting to spend fun time with Regen. We are already planning next summer and some fun trips.

Quote I am trying to live by...

I would rather you hate me for who I truly am, then love me for being someone I am not

In the past I have found myself changing who I present to the world to make others happy!

Now in the restarting of my life, I am trying to live for myself.

I am trying to live by the above quote.

Trying to love myself for who I am and not try to be what others think I should be.

I love being a mom...really I do...

I love being a mom...I do... but every so often I go through a "mom funk". Being a single mom makes it so I have very little "me" time. I have no family that can take Regen for the night or even for a day. Most of my friends are kidless, and Regen's friends don't really do stuff together on the weekends, so I rarely get a kid free weekend. I've gotten away lately, but each time it has been packed with class and travel, or it's a quick trip with others, no real time to myself...so you add up six to twelve months of this and I hit the "mom funk". "Mom funk" is when you truly love your kids but you wish they would just disappear for a day or so (of course somewhere safe), or it was legal to duck tape them in the closet for an hour or so ( just kidding). I get crabby, short tempered, fussy, and I just want to be left alone. I hate being in the funk, and try hard to not reach that point. However this round of "mom funk" has hit me unawares, I was so focused on work, Regen's cheer, and school starting that I didn't notice my testiness, and the need for "me" time till I was in full funk mode. Now I am desperately looking at our schedule trying to find a day. even a few hours that I can escape into and get out of this funk. Why is it that even when you love your kids, want to be in their lives as much as possible, you still get the "mom funk" and wanna get away from them???