Warped Life Standard...

I am beginning to believe I have a warped life standard. I feel dissatisfied, and antsy, like there is so much more I should be doing, have to be doing, or something I missed and will regret it. Right now my life is really good!! I am able to pay my bills, have a little extra, I get to spend tons of time with Regen, and am getting back to being the "true" me. But I fell like something is really missing. When I talked to a wonderful friend, who speaks truth to me no matter what, she stated that I am so used to being in "survival mode", and not used to a normal daily life. I think she's right. Being use to struggling, fighting to give Regen a better life, a stable home, and a mom who is happy and self confident has been my life for over 8 years. Before that I had many times life knocked me flat. I have been so used to being knocked flat, that I walk around waiting for the smack. When life is going better, I am waiting, just waiting for what ever will make me loose my breath, darken my sight, and leave me bleeding. On one level I know that I am doing good, that Regen is doing better and is happy. But I still have that antsy feeling, the feeling that I should be doing more so I am better prepared for that smack down. How do I after the loss of both parents, all my grandparents, and a horrible marriage to an addict, a woman who has lost herself, how does that woman learn to accept this day, the goodness in this life, and live for today without having that cloud of antsy anticipation for the pain? This is my quest, what I am working to find, the ability to just be happy and not worry about what I can't control.

My Feelings On Fall....

My feelings on fall are usually mixed, a feeling of loss for the summer, and excitement for the coming winter. I love summer, swimming, gardening, extra time with the kiddo, camping, fishing, just being outside with the birds...all these are things I like to do.

Winter is a blast too, Running up to the mountain watching Regen learn snowboarding, something she excels at and loves, watching Regen and Blu fighting in the snow. Fall however, is always the loss of summer, the busy time of life when school starts and work starts to pick up, and the cold winds come. I get out less, and it perturbs me. Then on a day like we had the other day, I get to run around with Regen and we see an amazing tree like the one above. The leaves turning, showing wonderful colors and is just a sight to behold. This tree makes me like fall, just its beauty fills me with wonder and makes me realize each season has its purpose and I need to remember that.

Time flies when your down....

Time flies when your down, down in the dumps makes the days slip from my memory. Remembering what I have to say or things I want to share slowly fade as I can't find the exit to my current mood. Life and so my moods go through a routine of ebb and flow. I fight to stay positive and on the upside, but at times all I can bring myself to do is wallow in the darkness. My life is good, I am blessed in many ways, I just at times am overwhelmed by the things I am lacking. I watch others take for granted the family and support they have, as I wish to just see and speak to my parents one more time.

Enough, I will make it though this and keep all the good things going.

Life will continue and I will wake up in a better frame of mind.