My Letter To "The View"....

After watching your show regarding Massage Therapists, I have been thinking about it non-stop. I have always loved your show and thought the hosts were wonderful examples of strong intelligent women. However after this episode, I now understand this to be untrue. I am a LMP and have been for 14 years; I attend intense schooling, had to pass state boards, and every year have to continue my education to keep my license. I own and operate a spa that employees 9 wonderful women as LPM’s, and none of us are “sex workers” or “Masseuses”. I usually can brush off uninformed and close mindedness and the use of the term masseuse, but on The View, it is unacceptable. While giving a treatment, music is played because it calms the client and silence can be nerve wracking. Also during insurance/rehabilitation massage the time can go over 2 hours, giving a client freer movement, lessening pain, and bettering their life can take time. It is sad that trying to help our clients is seen as improper. The airing of such ideas also spreads the idea that we ARE sex workers and leads to situations that can dangerous for us. In all, it saddens me that The View labeled us as sex workers due to its host’s lack of knowledge. Being slammed by women I looked up to is a sad sad thing, and needless to say The View will not be showing on my TV anytime soon.

This sucks....

Ok this just plain sucks.....I am sick and can't take meds!!! I am very happy to be pregnant but this is driving me nuts. I am not a good sick person, I don't like not being able to work or get my stuff done!! Started feeling down yesterday, hoped and prayed it wasn't going to get worse. Went to bed early (for me), drank tons of wellness tea and woke up even sicker. So today I stayed inside and drank tons of tea again..feeling better but I am thinking that I am going to have to take the next day off. I have plans to have a yard sale this coming weekend, and I sure don't want to put it off!!! Dr apt in the morning with Dr. Kara, for some acupuncture and naturopathic meds...keeping my fingers crossed!!!

Fear.....

I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble. You become anxious. Reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You feel yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread.

Fear next turns fully to your body, which is already aware that something terribly wrong is going on. Already your lungs have flown away like a bird and your guts have slithered away like a snake. Now your tongue drops dead like an opossum, while your jaw begins to gallop on the spot. Your ears go deaf. Your muscles begin to shiver as if they had malaria and your knees to shake as though they were dancing. Your heart strains too hard, while your sphincter relaxes too much. And so with the rest of your body. Every part of you, in the manner most suited to it, falls apart. Only your eyes work well. They always pay proper attention to fear.

Quickly you make rash decisions. You dismiss your last allies: hope and trust. There, you've defeated yourself. Fear, which is but an impression, has triumphed over you.

The matter is difficult to put into words. For fear, real fear, such as shakes you to your foundation, such as you feel when you are brought face to face with your mortal end, nestles in your memory like a gangrene: it seeks to rot everything, even the words with which to speak of it. So you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.

~ Unknown

What life gives you...

I have always wanted more kids...at least two in total. But when I was married, my husband never wanted more, he would say " Yes, we'll have another" then belittle and berate me for wanting another. When I was pregnant with Regen he even told me that if I got pregnant again he expected me to have an abortion. So one child it was. After my divorce I thought I will be able to have more kids! But as time passed, I didn't find a new partner so I thought of having another on my own. I looked into adoption, nope to much $$ and no single women. I looked into AI with a fetus, but again too much $$, and I really want a kid of "me" if I am going to carry it. So after the last 5 years I came to terms recently that I would be "Mom" to Regen only. That our family would just be us, it be small but well loved. Then two weeks ago I found out I was pregnant! I am happy in so many ways, I get to have another child, Regen gets to be a big sister, and our family will grow! The dad is not my partner, but a man I have known for years and once loved very deeply. He will be around and be a good dad, so in that I am happy. I do wish though, that I had a partner that I loved and that loved me, so we could be a small but loving family with a man in the mix. I would love for this child to have a dad that was with it's mom, a man to help Regen get over her fears and uneasiness with men. To show both kids that a dad can love his children, protect them, and let them grow into themselves, (not a molded example of what adults want them to be )...that a dad can be just as fierce with love and caring as a mom. But as they say you have to take what life gives you and make the most of it........so here is to wonderfully sweet refreshing lemonade!!!!

Lost in the Daily life.....

It has been forever since I blogged...I let myself get caught up in daily life and not take time for myself. This is one thing I need to do, me time.....Time to blog, to do art, and just things for myself. This might sound selfish, but when I am happy, enjoying my me time I am a better mom, therapist, and friend. I am now going to make a point of giving myself some me time everyday, even if it's only 30 mins.....

Sagittarius That's Me...

Inquisitive and energetic, the Sagittarius is the traveler of the Zodiac. Their philosophical, broad-minded approach to life motivates them to wander far and wide in the search for the meaning of life. Extroverted, optimistic, and enthusiastic, it can be almost impossible to keep the Sagittarius down. They love change. In fact, change is essential for this sign to feel their best.

Friends and Family

Whether it's stimulating conversation or a hike through the mountains, you can expect this sign to be surrounded by friends. Sagittarians are a ton of fun and downright wacky at times. They love to laugh and to get everyone around them going. Sagittarians make friends from around the globe, enjoying the various takes on life and culture. They're generous and are not ones to hold a grudge. Anyone who can sit a spell and talk about the deeper things in life will suit a Sagittarius just fine. They make friends easily and remain steadfast through the years. When it comes to family, the Sagittarius is dedicated and willing to do just about anything. Freedom and independence are extremely important for this outgoing sign. Providing these traits aren't infringed upon, all relationships go well.

Career and Money

Visualization is the keyword for the Sagittarius. When this sign sees something as possible in their minds, they will go to great lengths to rally enough people to make it happen. Straightforward, they don't usually mince words about what they want, and they seem to know exactly what needs to be said in a given situation. They make excellent salespeople, and it's even better when this involves travel. When the Sagittarius gets a sense of the big picture, they'll work night and day to reach a goal. A variety of tasks and a dynamic atmosphere favor Sagittarians. Careers such as travel agent, photographer, explorer, artist, realtors, ambassador, and import/export trader all suit this free-spirited personality. Fun loving Sagittarians enjoy making - and spending - money. Considered the luckiest sign of the Zodiac, they don't worry too much about where the next buck is coming from. Sagittarians are risk-takers and highly optimistic, trusting in the universe to provide what is needed.

Money-management

tasks will bore the Sagittarius to tears, so getting a bookkeeper or accountant is the best plan in order to stay on top of what's coming and going.

Love and Sex

Sagittarians are playful and love to have fun with their lovers. Passionate, expressive, and willing to try just about anything, partners who are equally outgoing are best suited to the Sagittarius. There's a fine line between sex and love for this sign. Their love of change and variety can bring a lot of different faces to the bedroom. But when it comes to love, that's an entirely different thing. Once taken, the Sagittarian is loyal, true-blue, and devoted. Mates for this sign need to be intellectual, sensitive, and expressive for the best results. As the key phrase for this sign is I understand, having a good sense of how their partner thinks is quite important.

SAGITTARIUS TIDBITS

Health

Each sign has a part of the anatomy attached to it, making this the area of the body that is most sensitive to stimulation. The anatomical areas for Sagittarius are the hips, thighs, and upper legs.

Ruling Planet

The ruling planet for Sagittarius is Jupiter. Considered the luckiest of planets, it rules wealth, leisure time, big business, the higher mind, optimism, growth, morality, prosperity, indulgence, long-distance travel, aspirations, sports, and fondness for animals.

Color

The color of choice for Sagittarius is rich purple.

Gemstone

Sagittarius's star stone is the topaz.

Lucky Numbers

Sagittarius' lucky numbers are 3, 5, and 8.

Compatibility

Sagittarians are most compatible with Leo and Aries.

Opposite Sign

The opposite sign for Sagittarius is Gemini.

The Perfect Gift

The best gifts for a Sagittarius are pet-related items or something for the outdoors.

Likes

Travel, being outdoors, freedom, philosophy

Dislikes

Details, being constrained, off-the-wall theories, clingy people

House

Natural sign of the Ninth House. This house focuses on religion, philosophy, super-conscious mind, long trips, laws, and in-laws.

Famous Sagittarians

Steven Spielberg, Mark Twain, Tina Turner, Jimi Hendrix, Christina Applegate

Best Travel Destinations

South Africa, Australia, Spain, Portugal, Toronto, Naples

Strengths

Great sense of humor, idealistic, generous

Weaknesses

Will say anything no matter how undiplomatic, promises more than can deliver, can be impatient to the point of rudeness

Charismatic marks

Open and interested. Generally tall, strong legs. Clothes for comfort, not style. Women act in a “tomboy” manner.

Best environment

Outside, on the move

Warped Life Standard...

I am beginning to believe I have a warped life standard. I feel dissatisfied, and antsy, like there is so much more I should be doing, have to be doing, or something I missed and will regret it. Right now my life is really good!! I am able to pay my bills, have a little extra, I get to spend tons of time with Regen, and am getting back to being the "true" me. But I fell like something is really missing. When I talked to a wonderful friend, who speaks truth to me no matter what, she stated that I am so used to being in "survival mode", and not used to a normal daily life. I think she's right. Being use to struggling, fighting to give Regen a better life, a stable home, and a mom who is happy and self confident has been my life for over 8 years. Before that I had many times life knocked me flat. I have been so used to being knocked flat, that I walk around waiting for the smack. When life is going better, I am waiting, just waiting for what ever will make me loose my breath, darken my sight, and leave me bleeding. On one level I know that I am doing good, that Regen is doing better and is happy. But I still have that antsy feeling, the feeling that I should be doing more so I am better prepared for that smack down. How do I after the loss of both parents, all my grandparents, and a horrible marriage to an addict, a woman who has lost herself, how does that woman learn to accept this day, the goodness in this life, and live for today without having that cloud of antsy anticipation for the pain? This is my quest, what I am working to find, the ability to just be happy and not worry about what I can't control.

My Feelings On Fall....

My feelings on fall are usually mixed, a feeling of loss for the summer, and excitement for the coming winter. I love summer, swimming, gardening, extra time with the kiddo, camping, fishing, just being outside with the birds...all these are things I like to do.

Winter is a blast too, Running up to the mountain watching Regen learn snowboarding, something she excels at and loves, watching Regen and Blu fighting in the snow. Fall however, is always the loss of summer, the busy time of life when school starts and work starts to pick up, and the cold winds come. I get out less, and it perturbs me. Then on a day like we had the other day, I get to run around with Regen and we see an amazing tree like the one above. The leaves turning, showing wonderful colors and is just a sight to behold. This tree makes me like fall, just its beauty fills me with wonder and makes me realize each season has its purpose and I need to remember that.

Time flies when your down....

Time flies when your down, down in the dumps makes the days slip from my memory. Remembering what I have to say or things I want to share slowly fade as I can't find the exit to my current mood. Life and so my moods go through a routine of ebb and flow. I fight to stay positive and on the upside, but at times all I can bring myself to do is wallow in the darkness. My life is good, I am blessed in many ways, I just at times am overwhelmed by the things I am lacking. I watch others take for granted the family and support they have, as I wish to just see and speak to my parents one more time.

Enough, I will make it though this and keep all the good things going.

Life will continue and I will wake up in a better frame of mind.

Looking to the future....

Well, life has been busy and exciting. I am looking into opening a new business. I want to open a small boutique that sells infant, toddler, maternity, and women's sizes 10-16 clothing. A little edgier clothing, a mix of funk and punk. A friend is thinking of opening a consignment store, so we are looking to share a space. Things are just falling into place and it's all moving along pretty fast. I am excited but nervous. Here's to keeping my faith in moving forward and making it work!!

Crazy Days of Summer...

The last few weeks have been crazy and haven't left me time to blog. We took a mini vacation to Seattle, I got a new Tattoo, Regen had tons of cheer events, we went hiking at Bolder Cave, and then Regen started school for the year. To cover this all I am giving you pictures and videos.

Enjoy, I know we have loved this summer!

Picking Blackberries with Nana Becky

My Tattoo outline

Finished Tattoo, I Love It!

Regen's First day of school

Go Redskins!

Hanging in Seattle

Wild Carousel Horse runs Regen over!

Seattle Aquarium

Death by Octopus

Regen and the Pike Street Pig

Regen 's cheer for William

Having fun at Bolder Cave

What a summer, I loved getting to spend fun time with Regen. We are already planning next summer and some fun trips.

Quote I am trying to live by...

I would rather you hate me for who I truly am, then love me for being someone I am not

In the past I have found myself changing who I present to the world to make others happy!

Now in the restarting of my life, I am trying to live for myself.

I am trying to live by the above quote.

Trying to love myself for who I am and not try to be what others think I should be.

I love being a mom...really I do...

I love being a mom...I do... but every so often I go through a "mom funk". Being a single mom makes it so I have very little "me" time. I have no family that can take Regen for the night or even for a day. Most of my friends are kidless, and Regen's friends don't really do stuff together on the weekends, so I rarely get a kid free weekend. I've gotten away lately, but each time it has been packed with class and travel, or it's a quick trip with others, no real time to myself...so you add up six to twelve months of this and I hit the "mom funk". "Mom funk" is when you truly love your kids but you wish they would just disappear for a day or so (of course somewhere safe), or it was legal to duck tape them in the closet for an hour or so ( just kidding). I get crabby, short tempered, fussy, and I just want to be left alone. I hate being in the funk, and try hard to not reach that point. However this round of "mom funk" has hit me unawares, I was so focused on work, Regen's cheer, and school starting that I didn't notice my testiness, and the need for "me" time till I was in full funk mode. Now I am desperately looking at our schedule trying to find a day. even a few hours that I can escape into and get out of this funk. Why is it that even when you love your kids, want to be in their lives as much as possible, you still get the "mom funk" and wanna get away from them???

True friends...

I have recently decided I have very few REAL friends. I have people I work with, people I talk to a few times a month, and even some people from way back when that are still in my life. If some one is in your life for years, or you see them everyday and get along, does that make them your friend? To me a friend is someone you connect with, even if only a once in awhile, someone who is there when you truly need them, and that cares for you and yours. I know that I have people I see everyday, and spend time with, I help them when they need help and am there for when they are down. Now are these same people there for me? When I need help do they help, with out me begging or even asking? Do they contact me just cause? NO. I am the one you come to when you need, need anything. But WHO do I turn to when I just plain need something?? I can count them on one hand. I have been putting so much effort in these "friends" and get nothing in return, not even a true friendship. I am the one who calls, makes plans, asks about them. I am going to stop being the IT girl for help and advice. I am not here for them to use up and leave when they are on a high in life. I guess I will never be a person with a group of friends, a bunch of gal pals to do things with. I know that sounds like self pity, but I just don't understand. I think that I am a good friend, that I am caring, fun to be around, and am loyal. So why is it that I have so few true friends??? I see women who back stab and gossip about each other and they are friends for life. Me, I don't gossip about my friends, I don't back stab, I won't try to steal your man. So I am letting them all go, I am not initiating any contact, not making plans, and not turning my life around to help them.

( KM , knock it off I am not talking about you ;p )

Weekend in Seattle...

Spent the weekend in Seattle for the NIN concert. I had a blast!!

Cool graffiti I saw near Pike Street

Close up of "Gum Wall" in Seattle

Everyone who passes by sticks their gum on wall, now it's a piece of "Art"

Tony next to "Gum Wall"

Me and Tony after NIN concert

This Weekend...

Here is a photo diary of my weekend. I am loving the summer, but wish it was a tad cooler.

The first veggie we got to pick from our garden.
A trip to the farmers market.
Check out Regen's foot after Cassie (the horse she rides) stepped on it.
Saw a place in Selah that Kariann and I should get for a new business...dreaming
Took my room from this.....

To this, going through it all for a yard sale to come.

Died my hair, bright pink and dark blue highlights in the back....I LOVE IT!!

So there is our weekend, great times, and interesting events.

Being single...and a mom..

I think that sometimes there is something truly wrong with my genetic make-up. Two things make me think I am more of a freak than other people in this world...

1. I love being a mom, and am actually enjoying being a single mom.

My ex and I were very different people to begin with, add in his substance usage and we were worlds apart. So needless to say our parenting ideas were very different. I love watching Regen finding her self, whether with her clothing choices, eating choices, or artistic outlets. Letting her find who she is within the guidelines I set for her, such as cleanliness, politeness (we're working on that one a little), respect for others and ourselves, and so on. C***, felt that kids are told what to wear, eat, and like, and that was the end of it. Most mom's I know fear being a single mom, or hate it. Now I am not saying that it's a breeze and that there isn't a struggle with money, time, or sanity, but I love being the sole boss when it comes to saying yes and no to things. I get to decided all things, and I love having days that just roll with the punches, instead of fighting to have it all a set way. ( Also when I say single I mean single, no sisters or mom to babysit, no grandparents to take Regen for the weekend, It's me and only me. And I still would not stop being a mom or wish she was not in my life. )

2. I like being single. Or at least don't hate it.

It seems that if your over 21 and single that it's a oddity or just plain sad. Women and even some men my age are on this desperate feeling hunt for a spouse. That they need to find someone and need to be married or in a relationship headed there with in the " next 2 years". (Or they are with multiple people to "scratch that itch", I think that a physical relationship would be wonderful, but to move from partner to partner is just asinine and plain stupid. Plus have a little respect for yourselves!!...anyway) I have dated and met some nice men, but no one that I would truly change my schedule for, that seems mean, but I guess I want to have my life and the other person's life to simple meld together. Turning my and Regen's life around for a new someone??? That doesn't seem good, or even healthy. Some change yes, but not an overhaul. Yes, I would like to have a man in my life, but I want that someone to fit in my life almost as it is, and us to fit in his life the same way, a blending, not a changing of. I like spending time alone, reading, going to lunch, or even a movie, plus my life is busy so I am not desperate for something to do. I hope to find someone to spend my life with, but I don't feel like I will perish or be an "old maid" with a hundred cats if I don't.

These two things make me feel like I am standing naked in front of the class, when I go out with the girls or even am asked about my love life. I watch other women striding determinedly to get a man, or having people wanting to set me up ( with men that are really not compatible to me).I don't feel the driving need to have help being a parent, or that I have to be in a stable relationship by the time I am 35. Don't get me wrong, I would love a man and help with everything, but I won't perish if I hit 35 and am single.

Regen is an Aries...

I was browsing the net and ran across this. I am not sure if I fully believe in astrological readings but this one is dead on with my Regen!!!

Young Aries:

Aries children have energy in abundance, are usually strong, active, and enthusiastic. You better be physically in great shape to keep up with the little Ram. They seem to never get tired and after a day full of physical activity, the Aries child keeps going while you might gasp for air. Being curious and adventurous, little Arians want to know everything, explore, and investigate. Without fear they venture into new territory all the time, be it a high tree, a playground, or a year abroad. They love challenges, so offering them opportunities to compete either in sports or at play or in school keeps them from being bored too quickly. Aries children need a lot of watching, especially when they are very young, as they can also be quite stubborn and won't accept a "No" easily. Resisting control, they need to know who is in charge, as they are very determined to do everything their very own way. Although young Arians can be quite sweet and affectionate one minute, they can be challenging and angry the next. They need a lot of reassurance, attention, and need to know they are loved. Being ruled by Mars, it is no wonder that they can display a hot temper but they can forget it as quickly as it came. As natural born leaders, Aries children will take the lead in their group, be it at school, or college, or in their circle of friends. However, it can be difficult for them to lose and as difficult to learn how to share and that they cannot win every game. Young Arians are a delight to be around, and they will certainly never bore you! Your favorite moments will be when you can jump into their fantasyland with them and get swept away by their courageous lead into the unknown. They have an untamed spirit that is always ready for adventure!

Old Fashion Weekend

I loved this weekend. We spent Saturday at the Yakima Folk life Festival. Walking around looking at wonderful art, artistic clothing, ate great food, and listened to some awesome music. Later in the day we went to pick blue berries, enjoying the day with Regen, and some close friends.

Sunday we slept in, and enjoyed a quiet morning at home. In the afternoon we went to the Farmers Market, purchasing some veggies, and homemade bread. After getting home, we started doing some canning. We made apricot jam, apricot brandy pecan preserves, and pickled beans. I loved this weekend! Spending time with Regen, showing her art, music, different cultures in food (Yummy), and teaching her how to do canning and preserving food. Passing on the things that my mom taught me.

Spring Cleaning...

This weekend I have decided that my house is overwhelming me. I LOVE my house, when I walk in my house it just feels like home. But I have stuff everywhere, Regen's great grandma passed away, and we inherited a bunch of stuff. Plus when we were in need, friends gave us a ton of stuff too. Now I have a whole room full of unpacked boxes, and am totally unorganized in the rest of the house. To top it all off, I realized that in both of Regen's and my room we have clothes that don't fit, that we never wear, and way too many toys (Regen's room). So this week I am going to go room to room, sorting into keep and sale. On Saturday I will have a yard sale, what sales, sales, and what doesn't will go to the mission. Finally after 2 years I will be unpacked, and organized. YEA YEA, a condensed, clean but comfy house!!! Out with the old, stop hanging on to " I will wear that someday" clothes, and on to a easy living future in my wonderful kid friendly home.